i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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