I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
