The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
