Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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