i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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