Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
