i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
