There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Terrible idea I love it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
