I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
