you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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