She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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