Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
