if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
