that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
