he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
