I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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