Where are you?
In a non slutty way
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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