so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I've blown a few things in my day
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
