i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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