I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
