Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
