you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
