Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
