maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm getting married
To pizza
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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