If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
