Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
