It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
