I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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