why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
