Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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