He had one of those small greek statue penises
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
