Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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