he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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