Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
