She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
