dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
