I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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