She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
