Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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