he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
