you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
