something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
