when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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