Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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