Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
