How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
