I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
