i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
