The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
