My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Life is so much better after having sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
NoShamevember. You game?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
