I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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