I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Who died my cat blue again?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
